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Saturday, August 27


I've started a wordpress to replace this blog, it has the ability to do stuff from my phone.

Check it out if you are so inclined, the blogspot blog will no longer be added to. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Friday, August 26

your language

I want to speak passion, fire, love and gravity. I want to know the words that you used to make everything. I want to know what you whispered into Adam when you knelt down and breathed life into him. I want to know why you picked that particular rib to wrap eve around. I want to know your plan for man, where we've been and where we're going. I want to know what my part is in that design. I want to know your heart and know that I have a place in it. I want to spend all of my time knowing you more. I want to stand amazed by your Beauty and be swept away by the tide of your passion. I want to hear you speak, whisper, shout, groan, cry. I want to be moved by love to do something stupid but right. I want to be in love with a girl. And to know that she loves me, even if it's only for a moment. And when all that fades, the song, the dance, the fire. I want to still know that you love me. That your love never fails.

Saturday, August 13

i get down

sometimes i get sad. Maybe you can relate. for some reason or another, a thought that i didn't recall on purpose crosses my mind. one of those thoughts about people I've let down, times I've let myself down, feelings I've hurt, feelings I've had hurt, people I've lost, or pushed away, or abandoned, and the people who have pushed away or abandoned me.

theres too much going on in this world, i cant hold it all together, im a fool to try. but i keep on trying, habitually, i don't want to let god be in charge of anything. Not that i think he'd do a poor job, i know he could (and does) do way better than i ever could, but still, i fight to be in control. Im never really in control of anything, thats the sad art, im clinging to and fighting for an illusion. "the all powerful adam!" I have very little pull with the universe, we don't even speak the same language. i speak english and the universe speaks gravity and force and fire... all that said, I've stopped reaching for dreams and things I want. Its all i can do in my state to make myself want the things that are drowning me. Girls, debt, guilt, anger, pain. I've made my home. This place that i was passing through has become my future out of a lack of faith. im tired and sad and soar. I cant sleep, and food has lost its flavor, and i cant see things the way i used to.

Is there a remedy? Can Jesus pull me out of this spot? or is he waiting for me to move. Im so afraid of moving in any direction, when i try i find myself losing everything and not gaining any ground, in some cases i even find myself moving backwards. I step out looking for love and get rejected in a way i cant even understand, much less put into words. I try to step out and gain a career or financial success, and i find myself in debt and unemployed. I tried to rest for awhile and see if i could wait for God to move. and i couldn't stick with it, the people i love the most told me i was a fool and called me names like lazy and worthless. pain is growing, faith is shrinking and joy has skipped town.

I've discerned that im not ready for some things, but im more interested in knowing what the thing im ready for is. I need soem direction. Im so tired of feeling meaningless and like i have nothing to offer anyone, even myself. I want to be genuinely happy, not just successful, i don't even care about that. I want to now what its like to love a girl and actually be loved back. I want to have a family, and a chance to take care of someone who deserves all that i can give, instead of enabling users and thieves.

Im wanting, but my patience is wearing out.

Sunday, June 26

Out of my head

So, I've been pretty busy this week. Several great experiences and some awful ones. But the thing I walled away with is that I need to get out of my head. I spend way to much time analyzing the world. Trying to figure out what my friends are thinking or hiding, trying to discern what strangers are intending with thief actions and words. I think it boils down to worrying. And it gains me nothing to give all my time to these chores.

Tuesday, June 7


Sadly, this world is full of authorities, some are good, a lot are bad, most are abused. Our parents are authorities, some of them are good authorities, some of them are not. the basis of authority is derived from to key aspects... 1) real authority is right! in order to be a real authority, you must know what you are talking about. most people claim to be an authority, but they are usually showing their ignorance by the things that they say. They spout off at the lips without giving any concern to where their information came from. in order for a persons authority to be right, they must get their authority from right personal experiences, or as is most often the case, someone who is smarter than they are. 2) a real authority is based in love! in order to have authority, a person must care about what they are talking about, and the audience they are talking to. You cant have real authority and not care about the subject, as real authority is derived from a constant examination of what we know to be true.

This world is full of ignorant people that claim authority that is not theirs... It is also full of people that are in a position of authority but have not earned or validated their authority... There are many fathers out there, both young and old, some of these fathers are vigorous in their pursuit of being a good father, guardian and role model, some are not. lets face it, most are not. For generations, maybe from the very beginning, some men have abandoned their positions as fathers while others have tried to be good fathers. Sadly, over the generations, men have not taught their sons how to live, much less how to be fathers. So the young men in this generation are finding themselves in the position of not be an authority on anything, not having a role model, not knowing how to be fathers or husbands, and being in the situation where they find themselves fathers and husbands. How can they be expected to succeed with absolutely no clue what they are doing. Fixing this problem will involve two things. 1) fathers wanting to be fathers and seeking out gods word. 2) godly men being called as mentors.

In a world where men have forgotten how to be fathers, and by extension how to be real men; what can be said about women? Pretty much the same thing sadly. Many women have gotten involved in feminism, this is a damaging world view if ever there was one. It is just as impossible to be an independent woman and a Cristian as it is to be an independent man and a Christian. Every time I hear the phrase "I can do it myself I'm an independent woman!" my stomach turns. This view is the devil playing on our past to destroy our future. Nobody likes being told what to do, or how to live, and many of us have been hurt by people who abused their authority, but the bible and history make it clear that when we rely on ourselves we fail! We are not independent, we need god! We need to depend on him. In our weakness, he is strong. As real men and women of faith, he is the first thing we should trust in, and we should always avoid the chance to place our trust in ourselves. how often does that work out badly?

real authority comes from God, he is the author creator and finisher of both this universe and our individual faith. If your authority comes from him, you can be safe in knowing that it is both right and based in love. We as his people need to fight the urge to be the God of our own life, and leave him in the seat of authority that is his alone.

Now that we have discussed What authority is and who it belongs to, the discussion turns to our individual authority. Where does it come from and how can we use it effectively. First, our authority does not always come from God... But it should. We are often put into positions of authority, sometimes randomly or based on seniority. If you have worked at a Job for awhile you may be in a place of authority over some of your co-workers. sometimes this is because you know more than they do, and this should be the basis for a mentoring relationship where you invest your knowledge in them by spending time with them and instructing them. other times, you are in a position of authority due to favoritism and or random factors. in these situations you are in authority, but you may not be an authority. as Christians it is our responsibility to live up to the position we hold, and not to abuse our privilege as it is given to us. a good man does not lead others astray. However, in opposition to this worldly authority, which is often an illusion, the authority that we have spiritually is granted to us by God through Christ. Our authority, comes directly from Jesus, because it is his authority that he shares with us. this authority supersedes the authority that we can earn, steal, or borrow in this world. Because it is granted to us, it is not earned, and does not belong to us, but we can use it freely, so long as we use it correctly. the bible says that is better for a false teacher to be tied to a millstone and thrown into a lake compared to what god has in store for him on the day of judgment. we need to constantly be proving ourselves by improving ourselves in our understanding of scripture and love and truth. We have been given authority over all things, authority to save, in some cases to curse, and in all cases to show and share gods love and Jesus sacrifice with others. lets do our best to show ourselves to god as people that are approved , as workers who need not be shamed, as we rightly handle the word of truth.

A prophet

the world is going in a bad direction, no news to most of you... maybe we should pay more attention.

speaking for myself...

i find that seminary is a very good place to hide, from the world, from my family, from god... and it seems people on the outside give me too much credit, "he's at a seminary he must be good," sadly a lot of people are easily deceived. I'm no better than i once was, or so it seems to me. everyone else might see a smart kid with a good head on his shoulders, but they haven't seen my grades, noticed that i've thrown away years of my life... stolen more than i could ever repay. I'm not even in a bad place, i just know where i stand... on Jordan's stormy banks, needing a butt load of grace. I'm not even to the sink or swim part of the journey, I'm waiting... why am i waiting? god only knows, i wish he would speak up...

in the words of crowder... "i wish you'd remember where you set me down"

i've got a lot of christian friends, but just like me, the world wouldn't know that most of them are christians... they brag about it, but they aren't transparent, their christianity isn't noticeable, so were climbing into the same boat, only to end up, adrift and barely floating, in an ever more turbulent sea.

my situation in life has been changing and hopefully that will even me out, but its going to take time... i've also been very alone lately, partly due to being at work a lot, and partly due to the fact that the people in my life are pairing off. it's not a new thing, but it's still hard to deal with.

aside from all that, and shift direction off of me... i feel that the world is encouraging us to be less "separate" and to "corrupt" ourselves a little in order to better fit in. we wear scandalous (from the greek meaning causing to stumble) clothing, we tell clever lies, we cheer at other peoples pain. all while sitting in undeserved, unprecedented, and just plain bad for us, comfort. we use words that would make sailors blush, just to pass the time, and we sell ourselves little by little to whomever wants to satisfy us at this moment.

i ask you, who wants to drink water with "a little" rat poison in it? nobody, if we are offering a dim light to a world, nation, city, town, neighborhood, or community that is lost in the dark, what good are we. less of me is more of jesus, and I'm all about me.

as a people, we need to burn off that desire of "self" in His presence. maybe then we can shine like Him, even if it is just a reflection.

we've turned the wrong way, God is bigger than us, not the other way around. we need to prioritize, we should have to make time for ourselves because He is our life; our day to day. Not the other way around. Focus is not just a ford model, its what we need, and it needs to be on Him.

i don't like to preach, but a prophet is needed, and i don't see one out there.


The lie

She feels lost, the dark so inviting, she seeks comfort in the shadows, forgotten are the words warmth... Safe... She forgets His name, but He remembers hers. She tries to sell herself, but finds no joy, she gives herself away, but finds no compassion, she tries to hide, in the dark, she loses herself to it, she forgets her name, but He remembers… It's soft on His lips. She hears, a sound like memory, something she used to know, she remembers… it sounds like home, but she is mired in her pity, pulled down by her fall, filthy with apathy and the shame of it all, she can’t just run to Him... Can she?... She stays… she cries… she has surrendered to the pain, she knows it well, she won't let it end... But what does she find in the dirt? A hand... It's clean and strong, shining in the night, it's Him, He wouldn't take no for an answer, He found her, He pursued her, and His hand is not in hers, her hand is in His, she had forgotten, she remembers, He never let go! She knew the dark and called it home, but he never let go. She tried to give herself away, but she was not her own... She cries, He smiles.
“why?” She asks...


Community paranoia and the drug of choice

i've found a really god community at the vineyard church. something i've been looking for a very long time. in the past, i celebrated when i found a community that accepted me on a trial basis, and then quickly turned on me, i figured... that's as good as it gets. so i constantly set my self up for a fall, "i know sooner or later, these people are going to hurt me" so i start to lash out in my paranoia. the other day i made my friend steve look like a jerk, and he wasn't even there. thats just the most recent time that fear has gotten the better of me. i need to realize that when things aren't going great, that it is not necessarily any ones fault, or even worse, it could be my own fault... i cant let fear be my drug of choice, it enables me to be hurtful to the people i care about, and rationalize it as defense. 


its seems that the more people i talk to about the concept of dating, the more i realize people are stupid... looking for a thrill, a series of new intimate awkward exciting moments, a trend that cant last long, they get that for maybe two or three months, then they get bored and move on... they forgot in the excitement to become friends and now they have nothing but monotony. no wonder marriages don't last and adultery is an epidemic, people looking for excitement don't find love, and people who may have found love don't think its exciting enough. we've forgotten what joy looks like, and replaced it with shallow things like adventure, lust, selfishness, and fear. i hate the beetles, but I think they were on to something.. all you need is love, and the rest works out fine. we cant keep bouncing from one dead end relationship to another... :-( BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

The kiss

it always comes down to one thing, the kiss. hearts swell and burst and break, worlds collide, truths change. in a garden, the fate of man hanging in the balance, a betrayal turned the world upside down. the world would be saved, hearts would be broken, the deal would be sealed with a kiss. promises kept, a man with nothing but love, was lead to the slaughter by the symbol of love, the kiss. Judas may have thought that he was an instrument of god, he may have just wanted the money, but in his disbelief, lacking faith in the man and the god he loved, he used that symbol of the open heart, of perfect trust, of love and grace, a kiss to break the world. he didn't know that it would be healed by this betrayal, but it was. God's plan includes our ignorance and our doubt. but wouldn't it be better to love?

Sunday, May 29

A life more abundant

God calls us into life. At some point we get purchased by God and actually become a Christian. Later, through any number of things we decide that we've been called in a deeper way than we previously realized. At this point we have to decide, "What does deeper mean?"

I think the first step at this point is to lose the shame. As christians we have a gift, Jesus sacrifice that has redeemed us. But it is a socially awkward thing. People look at us like we are crazy when we talk about it in anyway other than purely logical. So we hide it. We pray that it doesn't come up in conversation. We try to avoid the topic. Even to the extent of denying it all together when we are asked (don't worry, you aren't the first to do that). if we can get over the shame that comes along with the gospel, and truly embrace it as the good news that it is we will be well on our way to having "life more abundant."

The second step, is to really embrace knowing God in an intimate way (prayer helps with this). We have been invited into a relationship, not a religion. If we skip this step and go right into deep philosophical study, we may never recover. Intimacy with God (or Jesus) usually comes from a group (shared intimacy with other Christians) it's good, but keep your bible nearby, you don't want to embrace things that aren't true.

The third step comes from study. I know, school sucks, but this is a different kind of study. God likes to show off, and if you spend time in his word, he will surprise you with his sense of humor and attentiveness. He likes to meet your need, and he always has. In the past, you marked his desire to provide for you as Coincidence. When he has the opportunity to talk to you, he will prove that it's him and that there are no coincidences.

The fourth step, is ministry, God loves a servant heart and uses the times that we serve to show us his heart and draw us close. Don't be afraid to serve, when you get to this point, you will be called and you'll know when it's happening. It takes courage to step out, but you can do it. Rest assured, he will never ask more of you than you can give. As we become more like Jesus, we become more capable and more useful. Keep in mind that these steps don't replace the previous step, the are each in themselves a life long part of being a Christian.

He wants a deeper relationship with all of us. Ask for it and seek it, you will be amazed.

god bless you, and keep you rockin' (like you do)

Sunday, May 22

Day 1

Today in church, I'm pretty sure God talked to me. He said to me that I should life my life in a new way. He called it "day 1" and the thought behind it is that yesterday doesn't matter, and tomorrow doesn't either. Today is important. The condemnation or price of yesterdays mistakes aren't welcome in this place, and the long reaching plausibly attainable but not yet strived for goals of the future have no place here either. Today is important, how can I live for Christ today? What can I take a chance on? Who can I influence with the love of Jesus? Today is day one...

Sunday, May 8


Its been a rough day, it started with me bruising my back. That bruise caused nausea and has thrown my whole day. The usuall lack of tact from my friends, who usually don't need it, was hard, and really hurt. What is it about a consistent minor pain that ruins our defenses.

There's no easy place to start, some things just aren't safe. When we were young, we were bruised, not necessarily in a huge way or intentionally, but we were bruised in a very real emotion, spiritual, and most likely a physical way. Because our parents aren't able to be 100% attentive and nurturing, we were from time to time let down. In some cases, more so than in others. But those bruises never fully healed, and when something so much as lightly grazes it, it hurts like it's new. It has the potential to destroy our day.

That's why it's important that we grow in character. Character is how we deal when things are hard. The boy scout motto comes to mind, we ough to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, curtious, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Those traits are a sign of character. And if we can display those things genuinely on a bad day, then we will be able to call ourselves people of God.

god bless you, and keep you rockin' (like you do)

Friday, May 6

One thing at a time

If I were to pick the main bane of mankind, I'd say it is our inability to remember whatever it is that we were just doing and apply it to what were are doing now. We as humans have a hard time remembering where we've been and the lessons that we've learned. The Jewish people throughout their history have been chosen, provided for, blessed, cursed, rescued, and then they forget who God is and grumble and it happens all over again. "we are starving god, feed your people. we are sick of mana God, give us meet. we are sick of quail God give us mana..." it's hard to hear, but that's us, we enjoy our days of being blessed and then when we are faced with a challenge we ask, "why me God?!"

My favorite character in the old testament is a prophet named Elijah. He's a great man that trust in God, sometimes. So, Elijah is in a place called mount Carmel, don't let the name fool you, it is indeed a mountain, but there is no candy there. Anyway, Elijah is there in a contest with the many (many!) prophets of Baal, (Baal is a rock.) the terms of this contest are simple, an altar will be built. then a sacrifice will be placed upon the altar. then both Baal and Yahweh (the Jewish name for God) will be called upon to light the fire to offer the sacrifice. Easy right?

Elijah encourages the Baal worshippers to go first which they do. The pray and dance for hours and while they are doing this, Elijah is teasing them. He has so much faith in God that he feels he can openly mock the prophets of Baal, (God doesn't call us to be peaceful to people who worship false gods. Just FYI) he says things to them like, "maybe he's asleep, you should pray louder", and " maybe he is indisposed, (going to the bathroom) pray louder, and dance harder" which they of course do. After many hours of this they give up, and Elijah gets his turn. Not willing to simple meet the terms of the contest, he makes it more complicated, he has a ditch dug, and the altar put inside it. Then he has the ditch filled with water (a lit of water) the wood and altar and sacrifice are fully submerged, he ask the Baal worshippers to help him do this, they do, probably laughing the whole time. The Elijah says a few simple words, and heaven opens up! A pillar of fire flings down from heaven, it burns up the water, the wood, the sacrifice, the altar, and leaves nothing but charred earth. Having won this contest, he stands in front of the awe struck Baal worshippers, and what do you think he does? He runs for his life because he has heard the Jezebel, (the ruler at the time) has order him beheaded. In a very short window of time, Elijah sees the awesome power of God, then forgets how powerful god is and runs and hides.

We all do this, we have such a hard time retaining the glory of God. Sin has stolen something from us, our attention Span. And it's getting worse every day. God help us to remember your glory.

god bless you, and keep you rockin' (like you do)

Wednesday, May 4

Fear and performance

It's our driving focus, whether we want to be good or bad, we want to be good at it. We are performance driven, and if we fail to reach our goals or the goals that are being set by the people that we give authority over our lives to, than the drive to perform becomes the worst of all motivators. Fear. It's a terrible thing to let fear run our lives, but it so often does. Either we don't try because we are afraid, or we try to hard to be good at the wrong things for fear of being neglected, abused or abandoned. And then this world becomes a scary place.

If you've lived "this" abused life, like I have, you know what happens after years of trying to live up to someone else's (inappropriate) standards. I failed. And I gave up. My fear of under achieving became a fear of being judged, and that became a fear of trying. The thing that really hurts in that situation is that my fear of waisting effort sometimes prevents me from trying to have things that are healthy for me to have. It stifles my relationships and it keeps me trapped in places that I shouldn't be, for a time I led to problems with pornography. A picture couldn't judge me and find me wanting. But anyone else could, and I felt like every one did.

In reality, no one had authority to judge me unless I gave it to them. And even if I gave it to them, I could find just as much wrong with them, but that's not good for me either. God is the only one who has the authority to judge me and he found me guilty and inferior and sub par. But he redeemed me anyway.

God loves us so much that any judgement that we can make against ourselves, any judgement that the world could make against us, just doesn't matter. The greatest price is death and it's been paid by Jesus in our behalf. He loves us that much, even in our broken, failing, not good enough state. And when we trusted him as lord and savior, We gave up the authority in our lives to him, no one else can judge us, he is our authority, we can't even judge ourselves. And when he sees us, he says, "it is good".

god bless you, and keep you rockin' (like you do)

p.s. what the heck does p.s. stand for?

Sunday, May 1

Sloppy wet kiss

John mark McMillan wrote a song, The David crowder band made it popular because they are so very awesome, but for fear of Alienating the contemporary music genre and it's fans, they changed one line. "and heaven meets earth, like a sloppy wet kiss" became "heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss". Why? The average christian is afraid of being in a relationship with Jesus, because the worldly view of relationship is for lack of a better word "slutty". It's always been this way, read the old testiment, God's chosen people are always cheating on him, our "slutty relationships aren't the problem, our conviction over what we allow in our lives make us guilty, so we don't compare the two. Super expressive words like "sloppy wet kiss" paint a picture that doesn't fit into the conservative Christian worlds image of who Jesus is and how they relate to Him. What image pops into your head when you think about your relationship with Jesus? Is it a cross, or bowing before a throne, or a dude in a white robe that stands triumphantly on a cloud? Likely. He is those things, but so mich more. Is he a guy that you hang out with? Is it you and jesus chilling watching a movie, telling dumb jokes? Probably not. But why not? In the bible, Jesus was a relational guy, hanging out around a fire, reclining with friends, going to party's and weddings. Jesus was that guy, he wanted to be in a fairly intimate relationship with everyone he met. Why do we treat him like he's... Anything but. Our god longs for us, he became a man to be with us, he died on a cross to buy us, and he rose from the grave to keep us! Why are we cheating him out of what he wants by embracing rules. That's not the life more abundantly that he says he wants for us. And the phrase of that song, sloppy wet kiss, it means with out reservation or embarrassment, a fully committed expression of love and devotion.

god bless you, and keep you rockin' (like you do)

p.s. what the heck does p.s. stand for?

Love and hate

my goal is to talk to you about love and hate, and darkness and light. these topics have been on my mind for awhile now. it seems to me that God Hates sin, and loves sinners. and though we are sinners born into darkness, we get to stand in his marvelous light. which doesn't seem to make since. when you go into your house and turn on the light, there isn't suddenly one lit spot amidst the darkness, the light completely dissipates the darkness, so that there is no darkness left. You might say that the light conquers and destroys the darkness. and this all happens in an instant. it doesn't take minutes or even seconds for the light to battle that darkness and rise to power, just "boom" light.

yet we are walking in the light in a dark world. i find this metaphor very confusing. maybe we are more like the moon... which is hidden in darkness behind the earth (lost in sin) yet when the earth finally releases its eclipse over the moon, it shines with verocity. The full moon sometimes so bright as to cast shadows at night. so, maybe we are no longer of this world when Jesus ransoms us, but we are pulled far away, so that sin can never have us again. but even though the moon is far away, it affects the tides, it reflects the light of the son, i mean sun.... and can be used for navigation, for those that are still lost, it is a beacon of what is to come. just as we are a beacon of what god can do in the life of a sinful man, (or woman) and a spark of hope to the world that slumbers in darkness.

i may be way off, i'm just kicking around metaphor "up in here." tell me what you think, if you are impressed, don't be to impressed, it took alot of work, if you are not impressed, (because i'm wrong...) be gentle i spent, (waisted) a lot of time on these ideas.

god bless you, and keep you rockin' (like you do)

p.s. what the heck does p.s. stand for?