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Saturday, August 27


I've started a wordpress to replace this blog, it has the ability to do stuff from my phone.

Check it out if you are so inclined, the blogspot blog will no longer be added to. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Friday, August 26

your language

I want to speak passion, fire, love and gravity. I want to know the words that you used to make everything. I want to know what you whispered into Adam when you knelt down and breathed life into him. I want to know why you picked that particular rib to wrap eve around. I want to know your plan for man, where we've been and where we're going. I want to know what my part is in that design. I want to know your heart and know that I have a place in it. I want to spend all of my time knowing you more. I want to stand amazed by your Beauty and be swept away by the tide of your passion. I want to hear you speak, whisper, shout, groan, cry. I want to be moved by love to do something stupid but right. I want to be in love with a girl. And to know that she loves me, even if it's only for a moment. And when all that fades, the song, the dance, the fire. I want to still know that you love me. That your love never fails.

Saturday, August 13

i get down

sometimes i get sad. Maybe you can relate. for some reason or another, a thought that i didn't recall on purpose crosses my mind. one of those thoughts about people I've let down, times I've let myself down, feelings I've hurt, feelings I've had hurt, people I've lost, or pushed away, or abandoned, and the people who have pushed away or abandoned me.

theres too much going on in this world, i cant hold it all together, im a fool to try. but i keep on trying, habitually, i don't want to let god be in charge of anything. Not that i think he'd do a poor job, i know he could (and does) do way better than i ever could, but still, i fight to be in control. Im never really in control of anything, thats the sad art, im clinging to and fighting for an illusion. "the all powerful adam!" I have very little pull with the universe, we don't even speak the same language. i speak english and the universe speaks gravity and force and fire... all that said, I've stopped reaching for dreams and things I want. Its all i can do in my state to make myself want the things that are drowning me. Girls, debt, guilt, anger, pain. I've made my home. This place that i was passing through has become my future out of a lack of faith. im tired and sad and soar. I cant sleep, and food has lost its flavor, and i cant see things the way i used to.

Is there a remedy? Can Jesus pull me out of this spot? or is he waiting for me to move. Im so afraid of moving in any direction, when i try i find myself losing everything and not gaining any ground, in some cases i even find myself moving backwards. I step out looking for love and get rejected in a way i cant even understand, much less put into words. I try to step out and gain a career or financial success, and i find myself in debt and unemployed. I tried to rest for awhile and see if i could wait for God to move. and i couldn't stick with it, the people i love the most told me i was a fool and called me names like lazy and worthless. pain is growing, faith is shrinking and joy has skipped town.

I've discerned that im not ready for some things, but im more interested in knowing what the thing im ready for is. I need soem direction. Im so tired of feeling meaningless and like i have nothing to offer anyone, even myself. I want to be genuinely happy, not just successful, i don't even care about that. I want to now what its like to love a girl and actually be loved back. I want to have a family, and a chance to take care of someone who deserves all that i can give, instead of enabling users and thieves.

Im wanting, but my patience is wearing out.

Sunday, June 26

Out of my head

So, I've been pretty busy this week. Several great experiences and some awful ones. But the thing I walled away with is that I need to get out of my head. I spend way to much time analyzing the world. Trying to figure out what my friends are thinking or hiding, trying to discern what strangers are intending with thief actions and words. I think it boils down to worrying. And it gains me nothing to give all my time to these chores.

Tuesday, June 7


Sadly, this world is full of authorities, some are good, a lot are bad, most are abused. Our parents are authorities, some of them are good authorities, some of them are not. the basis of authority is derived from to key aspects... 1) real authority is right! in order to be a real authority, you must know what you are talking about. most people claim to be an authority, but they are usually showing their ignorance by the things that they say. They spout off at the lips without giving any concern to where their information came from. in order for a persons authority to be right, they must get their authority from right personal experiences, or as is most often the case, someone who is smarter than they are. 2) a real authority is based in love! in order to have authority, a person must care about what they are talking about, and the audience they are talking to. You cant have real authority and not care about the subject, as real authority is derived from a constant examination of what we know to be true.

This world is full of ignorant people that claim authority that is not theirs... It is also full of people that are in a position of authority but have not earned or validated their authority... There are many fathers out there, both young and old, some of these fathers are vigorous in their pursuit of being a good father, guardian and role model, some are not. lets face it, most are not. For generations, maybe from the very beginning, some men have abandoned their positions as fathers while others have tried to be good fathers. Sadly, over the generations, men have not taught their sons how to live, much less how to be fathers. So the young men in this generation are finding themselves in the position of not be an authority on anything, not having a role model, not knowing how to be fathers or husbands, and being in the situation where they find themselves fathers and husbands. How can they be expected to succeed with absolutely no clue what they are doing. Fixing this problem will involve two things. 1) fathers wanting to be fathers and seeking out gods word. 2) godly men being called as mentors.

In a world where men have forgotten how to be fathers, and by extension how to be real men; what can be said about women? Pretty much the same thing sadly. Many women have gotten involved in feminism, this is a damaging world view if ever there was one. It is just as impossible to be an independent woman and a Cristian as it is to be an independent man and a Christian. Every time I hear the phrase "I can do it myself I'm an independent woman!" my stomach turns. This view is the devil playing on our past to destroy our future. Nobody likes being told what to do, or how to live, and many of us have been hurt by people who abused their authority, but the bible and history make it clear that when we rely on ourselves we fail! We are not independent, we need god! We need to depend on him. In our weakness, he is strong. As real men and women of faith, he is the first thing we should trust in, and we should always avoid the chance to place our trust in ourselves. how often does that work out badly?

real authority comes from God, he is the author creator and finisher of both this universe and our individual faith. If your authority comes from him, you can be safe in knowing that it is both right and based in love. We as his people need to fight the urge to be the God of our own life, and leave him in the seat of authority that is his alone.

Now that we have discussed What authority is and who it belongs to, the discussion turns to our individual authority. Where does it come from and how can we use it effectively. First, our authority does not always come from God... But it should. We are often put into positions of authority, sometimes randomly or based on seniority. If you have worked at a Job for awhile you may be in a place of authority over some of your co-workers. sometimes this is because you know more than they do, and this should be the basis for a mentoring relationship where you invest your knowledge in them by spending time with them and instructing them. other times, you are in a position of authority due to favoritism and or random factors. in these situations you are in authority, but you may not be an authority. as Christians it is our responsibility to live up to the position we hold, and not to abuse our privilege as it is given to us. a good man does not lead others astray. However, in opposition to this worldly authority, which is often an illusion, the authority that we have spiritually is granted to us by God through Christ. Our authority, comes directly from Jesus, because it is his authority that he shares with us. this authority supersedes the authority that we can earn, steal, or borrow in this world. Because it is granted to us, it is not earned, and does not belong to us, but we can use it freely, so long as we use it correctly. the bible says that is better for a false teacher to be tied to a millstone and thrown into a lake compared to what god has in store for him on the day of judgment. we need to constantly be proving ourselves by improving ourselves in our understanding of scripture and love and truth. We have been given authority over all things, authority to save, in some cases to curse, and in all cases to show and share gods love and Jesus sacrifice with others. lets do our best to show ourselves to god as people that are approved , as workers who need not be shamed, as we rightly handle the word of truth.

A prophet

the world is going in a bad direction, no news to most of you... maybe we should pay more attention.

speaking for myself...

i find that seminary is a very good place to hide, from the world, from my family, from god... and it seems people on the outside give me too much credit, "he's at a seminary he must be good," sadly a lot of people are easily deceived. I'm no better than i once was, or so it seems to me. everyone else might see a smart kid with a good head on his shoulders, but they haven't seen my grades, noticed that i've thrown away years of my life... stolen more than i could ever repay. I'm not even in a bad place, i just know where i stand... on Jordan's stormy banks, needing a butt load of grace. I'm not even to the sink or swim part of the journey, I'm waiting... why am i waiting? god only knows, i wish he would speak up...

in the words of crowder... "i wish you'd remember where you set me down"

i've got a lot of christian friends, but just like me, the world wouldn't know that most of them are christians... they brag about it, but they aren't transparent, their christianity isn't noticeable, so were climbing into the same boat, only to end up, adrift and barely floating, in an ever more turbulent sea.

my situation in life has been changing and hopefully that will even me out, but its going to take time... i've also been very alone lately, partly due to being at work a lot, and partly due to the fact that the people in my life are pairing off. it's not a new thing, but it's still hard to deal with.

aside from all that, and shift direction off of me... i feel that the world is encouraging us to be less "separate" and to "corrupt" ourselves a little in order to better fit in. we wear scandalous (from the greek meaning causing to stumble) clothing, we tell clever lies, we cheer at other peoples pain. all while sitting in undeserved, unprecedented, and just plain bad for us, comfort. we use words that would make sailors blush, just to pass the time, and we sell ourselves little by little to whomever wants to satisfy us at this moment.

i ask you, who wants to drink water with "a little" rat poison in it? nobody, if we are offering a dim light to a world, nation, city, town, neighborhood, or community that is lost in the dark, what good are we. less of me is more of jesus, and I'm all about me.

as a people, we need to burn off that desire of "self" in His presence. maybe then we can shine like Him, even if it is just a reflection.

we've turned the wrong way, God is bigger than us, not the other way around. we need to prioritize, we should have to make time for ourselves because He is our life; our day to day. Not the other way around. Focus is not just a ford model, its what we need, and it needs to be on Him.

i don't like to preach, but a prophet is needed, and i don't see one out there.


The lie

She feels lost, the dark so inviting, she seeks comfort in the shadows, forgotten are the words warmth... Safe... She forgets His name, but He remembers hers. She tries to sell herself, but finds no joy, she gives herself away, but finds no compassion, she tries to hide, in the dark, she loses herself to it, she forgets her name, but He remembers… It's soft on His lips. She hears, a sound like memory, something she used to know, she remembers… it sounds like home, but she is mired in her pity, pulled down by her fall, filthy with apathy and the shame of it all, she can’t just run to Him... Can she?... She stays… she cries… she has surrendered to the pain, she knows it well, she won't let it end... But what does she find in the dirt? A hand... It's clean and strong, shining in the night, it's Him, He wouldn't take no for an answer, He found her, He pursued her, and His hand is not in hers, her hand is in His, she had forgotten, she remembers, He never let go! She knew the dark and called it home, but he never let go. She tried to give herself away, but she was not her own... She cries, He smiles.
“why?” She asks...