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Saturday, August 13

i get down

sometimes i get sad. Maybe you can relate. for some reason or another, a thought that i didn't recall on purpose crosses my mind. one of those thoughts about people I've let down, times I've let myself down, feelings I've hurt, feelings I've had hurt, people I've lost, or pushed away, or abandoned, and the people who have pushed away or abandoned me.

theres too much going on in this world, i cant hold it all together, im a fool to try. but i keep on trying, habitually, i don't want to let god be in charge of anything. Not that i think he'd do a poor job, i know he could (and does) do way better than i ever could, but still, i fight to be in control. Im never really in control of anything, thats the sad art, im clinging to and fighting for an illusion. "the all powerful adam!" I have very little pull with the universe, we don't even speak the same language. i speak english and the universe speaks gravity and force and fire... all that said, I've stopped reaching for dreams and things I want. Its all i can do in my state to make myself want the things that are drowning me. Girls, debt, guilt, anger, pain. I've made my home. This place that i was passing through has become my future out of a lack of faith. im tired and sad and soar. I cant sleep, and food has lost its flavor, and i cant see things the way i used to.

Is there a remedy? Can Jesus pull me out of this spot? or is he waiting for me to move. Im so afraid of moving in any direction, when i try i find myself losing everything and not gaining any ground, in some cases i even find myself moving backwards. I step out looking for love and get rejected in a way i cant even understand, much less put into words. I try to step out and gain a career or financial success, and i find myself in debt and unemployed. I tried to rest for awhile and see if i could wait for God to move. and i couldn't stick with it, the people i love the most told me i was a fool and called me names like lazy and worthless. pain is growing, faith is shrinking and joy has skipped town.

I've discerned that im not ready for some things, but im more interested in knowing what the thing im ready for is. I need soem direction. Im so tired of feeling meaningless and like i have nothing to offer anyone, even myself. I want to be genuinely happy, not just successful, i don't even care about that. I want to now what its like to love a girl and actually be loved back. I want to have a family, and a chance to take care of someone who deserves all that i can give, instead of enabling users and thieves.

Im wanting, but my patience is wearing out.

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