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Saturday, August 27


I've started a wordpress to replace this blog, it has the ability to do stuff from my phone.

Check it out if you are so inclined, the blogspot blog will no longer be added to. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Friday, August 26

your language

I want to speak passion, fire, love and gravity. I want to know the words that you used to make everything. I want to know what you whispered into Adam when you knelt down and breathed life into him. I want to know why you picked that particular rib to wrap eve around. I want to know your plan for man, where we've been and where we're going. I want to know what my part is in that design. I want to know your heart and know that I have a place in it. I want to spend all of my time knowing you more. I want to stand amazed by your Beauty and be swept away by the tide of your passion. I want to hear you speak, whisper, shout, groan, cry. I want to be moved by love to do something stupid but right. I want to be in love with a girl. And to know that she loves me, even if it's only for a moment. And when all that fades, the song, the dance, the fire. I want to still know that you love me. That your love never fails.

Saturday, August 13

i get down

sometimes i get sad. Maybe you can relate. for some reason or another, a thought that i didn't recall on purpose crosses my mind. one of those thoughts about people I've let down, times I've let myself down, feelings I've hurt, feelings I've had hurt, people I've lost, or pushed away, or abandoned, and the people who have pushed away or abandoned me.

theres too much going on in this world, i cant hold it all together, im a fool to try. but i keep on trying, habitually, i don't want to let god be in charge of anything. Not that i think he'd do a poor job, i know he could (and does) do way better than i ever could, but still, i fight to be in control. Im never really in control of anything, thats the sad art, im clinging to and fighting for an illusion. "the all powerful adam!" I have very little pull with the universe, we don't even speak the same language. i speak english and the universe speaks gravity and force and fire... all that said, I've stopped reaching for dreams and things I want. Its all i can do in my state to make myself want the things that are drowning me. Girls, debt, guilt, anger, pain. I've made my home. This place that i was passing through has become my future out of a lack of faith. im tired and sad and soar. I cant sleep, and food has lost its flavor, and i cant see things the way i used to.

Is there a remedy? Can Jesus pull me out of this spot? or is he waiting for me to move. Im so afraid of moving in any direction, when i try i find myself losing everything and not gaining any ground, in some cases i even find myself moving backwards. I step out looking for love and get rejected in a way i cant even understand, much less put into words. I try to step out and gain a career or financial success, and i find myself in debt and unemployed. I tried to rest for awhile and see if i could wait for God to move. and i couldn't stick with it, the people i love the most told me i was a fool and called me names like lazy and worthless. pain is growing, faith is shrinking and joy has skipped town.

I've discerned that im not ready for some things, but im more interested in knowing what the thing im ready for is. I need soem direction. Im so tired of feeling meaningless and like i have nothing to offer anyone, even myself. I want to be genuinely happy, not just successful, i don't even care about that. I want to now what its like to love a girl and actually be loved back. I want to have a family, and a chance to take care of someone who deserves all that i can give, instead of enabling users and thieves.

Im wanting, but my patience is wearing out.