i've found a really god community at the vineyard church. something i've been looking for a very long time. in the past, i celebrated when i found a community that accepted me on a trial basis, and then quickly turned on me, i figured... that's as good as it gets. so i constantly set my self up for a fall, "i know sooner or later, these people are going to hurt me" so i start to lash out in my paranoia. the other day i made my friend steve look like a jerk, and he wasn't even there. thats just the most recent time that fear has gotten the better of me. i need to realize that when things aren't going great, that it is not necessarily any ones fault, or even worse, it could be my own fault... i cant let fear be my drug of choice, it enables me to be hurtful to the people i care about, and rationalize it as defense.